An honest blog sharing the ups and downs of my personal mental health journey

Thursday, 7 March 2019

2-4-1 at Spoons

My problem is I'm impatient. I say that like it's my only problem, it definitely isn't...

I've been presented with a problem (Bipolar) tried to deal with it (failed) then got fed up and pretended the problem doesn't exist anymore (it does).

Instead of trying to understand what's happening, it's far easier to just ignore it and focus on something else. 

Sometimes this attitude towards things helps. Most of the time it doesn't.

Say you've fallen over drunk on a night out (I may or may not be speaking from experience) and you've really bitchin' hurt your knee, but it doesn't matter because you're on your way to Spoons for 2-4-1 cocktails (yes, I sometimes still get these). 

What do you do? You pretend you haven't just fallen over and carry on having a good night. That is a relatively relatable example of ignoring a problem and focussing on something else. 

Turns out when you've got Bipolar, buying 2-4-1 cocktails doesn't actually disguise how shit you feel. Instead, you've just wasted £6 (yes hypothetically it's only a £6 offer and no, I'm not being sponsored by Wetherspoons for this post) and you just look like a big ole' idiot. Also, if anything it just makes you feel worse afterwards (a mental hangover, if you will). 

Anyway, as I said, I don't have the patience to accept I've got something wrong with me. It's far easier to just pretend it's not happening and carry on as 'normal'. Life goes on and all that. Actually, it turns out patience and acceptance are probably two of the main factors of dealing with Bipolar, or any other mental health issue for that matter.

So, I haven't written a blog for a while. I've kind of been busy trying to sort my life out. Turns out, that's harder than it looks. (I've just turned 27 and paid my first water bill on my own - don't tell me being an adult isn't hard). 

N.B. two things I could have done with learning at school - the importance of mental health and 'how to be an adult', because I have absolutely no clue.

I've been doing fine up until this point. I mean, as of the middle of January I've been doing fine, before that I was a state - but you can laugh at my expense in my previous blogs, if you wish.

The point is, I went through a 'hypomanic' episode when everything felt all great and rose-tinted (or maybe more like beer-goggled, if I'm honest) and then, BAM, there you have it - now I feel shit again. Just as I was feeling 'normal' it's like someone has taken the 2-4-1 cocktail offer down at Spoons and now I have to pay full price for only one Sex On The Beach. And I don't have the time or patience for that. 

So yes, I am relating my current state of mind to feeling like someone has taken the 2-4-1 offer down at Spoons and I'm just sat waiting (im)patiently, annoyed, and if I'm honest just disappointed. Just sat waaaaiting for them to put the offer back up again. Which they will, they always do, they just like to keep you guessing (sneaky, sneaky Spoons).  

The annoying thing about when it's your head keeping you guessing and not Gary at V-Shed who's just been told to take the offers down, is that your head doesn't bother telling you when the offer is coming down, or back on for that matter. It just one day appears again and everything is back to 'normal'. The world is as it should be, Gary may even potentially get a pay rise. 

You literally can't keep up with the offers anymore. You've got no time or patience for the offers anymore. You start pondering the idea of just sitting outside V-Shed with a can of Thatchers instead, waiting for Gary to get fired (because inevitably he will) and that's just bloody well easier than putting up with the whole charade. (It's probably at this point worth mentioning Gary is in fact just a metaphor and isn't some poor innocent Wetherspoons worker I have it in for...I am in fact still annoyed about them taking their offers down because that's just an absolute joke).

Basically, if I haven't made this clear, this whole entire metaphor for having no patience or understanding of my illness has become extremely apparent to me recently. I've gone from being sad to happy to sad again in what feels like quite literally the blink of an eye. I haven't even managed to get used to being happy and 'normal' before I feel like it goes back to feeling the complete opposite again (yes this is pretty much the definition of Bipolar in a nutshell, but I'm just having a rant).

Because I haven't allowed myself to find time, patience or acceptance of my illness yet, every time my mood changes it feels like I'm having to start all over again and it's frustrating and disappointing.

I guess what I (and you, if you're experiencing the same or similar) need to learn is that when the offers get taken down, they will eventually get put back up. Sometimes it takes a while and you feel like you can't really be assed to wait, but when they do eventually go back up, it's worth it.

Then, eventually, you may even become so prepared that you'll have all the ingredients for a Sex On The Beach ready and waiting yourself so you don't have to impatiently wait for the next time the offer changes again. You can just do it your bloody self.

PS. I'm sorry, Gary.


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