An honest blog documenting the ups and downs of a mental health journey

Thursday, 2 May 2019

Sabotage

Something I'm apparently struggling with recently is allowing myself to feel okay with the 'inbetween' stages that are sandwiched in the middle of feeling like absolute shite and feeling absolutely shite-ing fantastic.

The other day I genuinely felt the happiest I'd felt in ages but my brain started going into freak-out mode and I assumed it was a telling sign of a manic episode. I instantly started worrying and trying to calm myself down (but mainly I was worrying about how people were perceiving me, which in hindsight is just ridiculous as I was surrounded by my friends having a great time).

In actual fact I wasn't starting to have a manic episode, it was just a lovely, normal, appropriate and warranted feeling of happiness because I was having a good day. I literally started questioning how I was feeling because...I was having a good day.

As a result of my worrying so much I managed to get into a pit of anxiousness which then made me start to have a not so great time. I basically self-sabotaged my own night.

So, this brings me on to the fact that I've sadly realised - self-sabotage is reeeeeally common. Too common.

Why do people seem to be punishing themselves or questioning their happiness when it's completely normal?! I'm sure there's many different reasons, but I'm pretty certain a lot of it stems from past situations where (for some absurd reason) someone else has implied you're not good enough.

It's not just our own happiness that seems annoyingly easy to self-sabotage, its our success, our confidence, our ability to achieve things that are totally achievable regardless how long it may take (and its okay if it takes the rest of your bloody life if it needs to, who cares?!) Well...we care, because most likely self-sabotage will set in the moment you realise it'll take longer than expected to achieve said achievement. Classic.

I'm speaking from experience because I've personally self-sabotaged in every situation above.

Success: I'm 27 - I didn't know what I wanted to do career wise until I fell into working in TV a couple of years ago. I didn't go to university, I assumed I wasn't good enough, so after school I was in huge limbo and had zero confidence and zero clue what I was supposed to be doing.

I've already successfully self-sabotaged by even writing that sentence, and 9/10 times this is my response to anyone that asks what I do for a living. I assume they're going to think I'm shit before even telling them what I do.

I didn't 'fall' into working in TV, I found something I enjoyed and worked really bloody hard for it, it just took me a bit longer than 'the norm', whatever the hell that is. For god sake, the idea you have to go to university to get a decent job that you actually enjoy and that pays well just isn't true in the slightest. You can do extremely well regardless of going to university or not, anyone that tells you otherwise is an utter moron.

Confidence: I have a skin condition called Keratosis Pilaris Rogue (sounds well exotic) which I've had forever, I just didn't know it had a name until recently. It makes my skin really red, especially on my face, so I've always worn a lot of makeup to cover it up, because it makes me feel like crap and makes me really self conscious. When I was younger people commented on it, when I got older people commented on it (and still do, occasionally) but now the comments are about the amount of makeup I wear. So, what I've realised I do is mention the amount of makeup I'm wearing before someone else can mention it, so ultimately I'm the one that's making myself feel like shit and commenting on it. That's actually just really stupid. I even tried laser surgery on my face until I realised it was the most painful thing in the world and literally wasn't even 1% worth it. So now I've decided I'll instead just say if the amount of foundation I'm wearing is offending you, kindly go fuck yourself and try not to trip on the 'you're a huge knob-head it's my face and I'll do what I want' step on the way out.

Achievements: For me the biggest thing I'm trying to achieve is realising that having a mental illness is completely okay and is a lifelong journey that's not going to suddenly change or disappear overnight. I'm not going to talk myself down because my brain is a bit different to yours, and I'm not going to try and justify it to other people because of their own ignorance and misunderstanding of it - that's your problem mate, not mine.

I'll leave it on this note, because I've gone off on one again...

You're good enough, don't be your own worst enemy because it's a waste of time and is a huge detriment to your own mental health.

Don't let people make you feel like shit - it's their fault they're a dick, not yours.

Allow yourself to be happy.

TWW x
Instagram: @thewoefullywild

A Song For The Moment: Sabotage - Beastie Boys 
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